Autopilot

I’m fading.  My consciousness is retreating back into its protector, shielding me from a non-existent threat. I know I’m safe but my brain doesn’t understand. Like the people controlling my brain flipped the switch to autopilot, so they can control it without me – function without me. I become a viewer – watching my life play out like a show I have no say in, but am aware of.

I’m subconsciously aware of the numb and fuzzy feeling floating through me. My brain needed the break my shield gave me – the disconnection from my brain and body. Until I’m shoved back into my body and consciousness so abruptly; it’s like ice water being thrown into my veins. I’m completely aware of the fact that I hold the reins and control the buttons that make this being work. That I have the ability to say what I want and move however I want. Although, I would have to have the conscious decision to move my limbs – which feels way too much like real life for comfort. Thanks to my brain’s autopilot, that skill has weakened and the thought of being in charge of a whole human, and everything they do, overwhelms me.

After a few seconds of panic, I start feeling foggy. My brain’s learned coping mechanism steps in. I start to feel enclosed like I’m floating underwater – my senses muffled. I handled being at the front of my mind so poorly, I was as cut off completely. As my vision slowly returns, doubt slips in – “what if it’s not real”, “are you sure you’re here”, “what if your eyes are lying and you aren’t even wearing clothes”. I roll my head down to check and for good measure run my fingers over the fabric and look in the reflective glass surface. Another case of delusions trying to affect my reality and ability trust my own body. 

Maybe it’s time to stop fighting this unorthodox protector, maybe there’s a chance for harmony and I can appreciate and manage the help my brain clearly thinks I need. The struggle for control is more tiring than the lack of control itself. Being in control shouldn’t be as important as being sane and safe.

by Charlotte